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Back Cover #74

 

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Dear Honky Ho,
My man likes to use toys in bed. He be thinkin' it's all kinky 'n' shit. But it ain't, cuz he be usin' talkin' Yoda dolls and Rubik's cubes. That shit hurt goin' up my coochie. Should I try findin' someone older, like 14 or somethin'?
Thanks bitch,
Susie

Der Susie,
Dey ain't be callin em acshun figures fo nut in, ho. Yo man nos how ta git some play. Sounds likes yous be tighta den Nell Carta's Sergio Valentes. Shit, I be fittin da whole frickin Empire Strikes Back Collecshun in my meatgrinda. Maybe yo fat ass should be takin some yoga at da Jack LaLane. Stretch dat shit out. As fer goin olda — da bigga da boy, da bigga da toy. Yo snatch can'ts be housin' no Yoda, what da fuck ya gonna do when some brotha be whippen out da fuckin Sega?

Hey Sucka,
Yo, I been readin' yo' shit fo' years now. Youz all fucked up girl! I'd like to be more like you. So far, I gots mad skills with the pen. I gots me a big ol' ass. My shit be lookin' like Mt. Booty back dere. And dese titties I gots is like nice, squishy, little grapes. How'm I doin'?
Word,
WannaBebe

Yo Wanna Be,
Ya should really wanna be watchin yo fuckin ass. Dis ain't no single white female, bitch. Dere only be one white bitch. Dat's raight. And dat bitch be my white ass. So don't be all comin up wit yo own column n' shit. I don't wants ta be hearin bout no Ask da "Honkie Ho" o' "Caucasian Coochi". So ya gots tits n' bootie. Who da fuck cares? If ya cants shake em like a playa, no one be lining up fo da game.

Hello,
I don't usually write in to these types of columns, but a friend persuaded me to. So, here it goes: I've got crusties on my face. I don't know what they are or where they came from, but I do know this, they're nasty. They're all crusty and stuff. So I just pick and pick and pick. Then I bleed. Should I stop picking?
Thanks a lot,
Pat

Der Pat,
Well, if yo ass aint gonna pick 'em, who da fuck will? Is dey crusties likes on da Kernal's 10 piece o' is it likes dat shit hangin' off yo skank sista's coolie? Pick it, bitch. What else ya gonna do? I bet no one be wantin' to git wit yo ass. Even if it jus be yo face dats all fucked up. I bet yo own momma don't be wantin dat shit fallin inta da hamberga helpa. Dat shit gits stuck in yo teef likes a muthafucka.

Yo Whitey,
How's my girl? I bet you's fine as ever. Anyway, my girlfriend thinks I'm a dog because I'm always sleeping around. But that's just because I like gettin' play. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about sex. I like it with lots of girls. Two, three, four at a time. But my girlfriend gets all pissy. How can I get that skank ho off my back? (And onto my penis?)
Peace,
Romeo

Yo Yo Romeo
Jus tell dat bitch strait up dat yous don't wants ta be hearin no mo o her shit, aiight. If yos be gettin so much play why da fuck yo ass still be needin her? Does she pay yo bills? Does she makes da bbq jus like ya likes it. Shit, if you don't wanna dump her ass, slap her ass. Dat'll git her ta shut up.

Dear Kimb,
What color socks are appropriate to wear with black dress shoes? Although according to popular men's magazine, it's a lighter color to accent the shoe. But I'm still curious.
Thanks,
Dan the Automator

Der Dan the Automator, Well, yos knows dat I's as down wif da fashun as I is wif da brothas. While da lighta color be bringin out da kicks. Dere's nutin wrong wit a lil black on black acshun. Not likes yos gonna be runnin from da fashun po-lice. Da only time yo ass be needin da dress shoes be parole meetins n' church. Eitha way, socks be da least ya problems.

 

ISSUE 15:

Yo White Mama,
Lissen up. I got me that Siffalus or Tyfus disease shit. Can you dig it? Anyways, it be lookin' pretty nasty. All ova my face 'n' shit. How can I gets my freak on besides on Halloween?
Peace, Alice

Yo Alice da fuckin' Goon.
Ya can gits ya freak on by yo self. I jus hopes ya didn't be fuckin'touchin dis letta wit ya nasty assed hands. Dey all diseased 'n scabby 'n shit. I can jus 'magines what ya be doin' wit dos fingas when ya can'ts be getin no play. And I ain't talkin' bout eatin' da KFC. Fuck— don't dey have dem lepa colony fo yo infested ass? But den da brothas cocks be all fallin off n shit. Hallowen o no halloween, dat shit ain't no treat. Da only Goobers I want be tastin' likes candy. I suggest yous jus be keepin' dat supa freaky acshun ta yo self.

Greetings,
Hello Ms. Bitch. I'm a 36-year-old white male. I'm currently residing in Cleveland. First off, you rule! There, I said it. I just think you're the darndest thing. You really got it going on sister! Okay, here's my problem. I weigh 1,036 lbs. I'm such a fucking shlub I can't even believe it. I eat 12 chickens, 14 large pizzas, and 8 pies a day. For lunch.I can't walk. I occasionally fall through the floor. I'm just so goddamn big. So anyway, what's it take for a brother to get his dick wet?
Sincerely, Fatty McLard

Dear Fatty McLard
Wanna git a lil wet? Go piss yo self, ya fat piece of grissel lickin', bacon' bitin' sweaty shit. Don't be meanin' ta knock my fans n' all, but shit. It betta ta be a 98 lb sucka wit a 2 inch dick, den a ten ton muthafucka packin a whole 12 inches. How ya gonna knock some boots, if ya can't even tie ya shoes? Do some sweatin' ta da oldie o sometin. O'dat Subway diet. Shit, jus don't be sending me no picta's til ya be lookin likes Billy Dee.

Whaddup?
Hey you white-ass bitch! I ain't got no problems. I just dig your milky white ways. You're like a big bowl of milk and I'm like a thirsty cat just ready to lick it up to the last drop. So, you wanna go to da movies?
Chill, Lionel

Lionel,
Oh, yous gots a problem all right. Da fuckin' movies? Yo Momma gonna drop us off in her fuckin' station wagon? I ain't yo Ju Ju-beeeeaaatch. Takes mo'den dat ta git dis white choc'late ta melt. If ya'll wants a piece, den yas got ta pay fer it like all da otha brothas.

Hello,
Lord help me. Or at least you, Ms. Bitch. I just lost my job. Apparently a girl can't parade around in a thong and grab crotches at the office. I answered phones for some dude. Now what am I going to do? Also, I self-amputated a couple fingers and now I'm sorta regretting it.
Thanks, Pam-a-lama-thong-thong

Pam,
Don't be all worryin' n shit. I knows plenty o' pimps dat'd frickin' cum der boxabriefs ta be addin' a gimpy bitch like y'all ta der stable. Ya'd probly bring in top dolla. If ya don't wants ta be sellin' da bootie ta make da monies, den ya can jus be a crack ho. Dat way, when ya be workin' da 9-5 at da frickin' Arby's, least ya'll be too fucked up ta cry 'bout it.

So bitch,
When I was young and walkin' in the park a man approached me. He seemed to need directions but when he finally got to the point, he wanted to give me a hand job. Now I'm very untrusting of strangers needing directions and it seems to limit my dates. How can I overcum my fears?
Thanks, Suzy

Hey Lil Suzy,
So, one sucka gits right ta da down n' dirty witout da cockin' round. Yo ass should be all thankful n' shit, bitch. Even maps be costin' a dolla. Best yo be gettin paid fo da 411 n' what betta way den wit a lil twat ticklin'. Shit, if all dem brothas be dat grateful, I'd git frickin' triple A tattooed my fuckin' forehead. O' betta yet da Yellow Pages. Dat way da brothas know ta let dat der fingas can do da walkin'.

 

ISSUE #74:

Dear Da White Bitch,
I really like having sex with horses. Do you think my husband is going to notice? I know I barely notice him — if you know what I'm saying! Thank you for your time, The Stallion Canyon

Dear Stallion Canyon,
Damn bitch, what are you? Frickin' Misty of Chincotague. Pony pokin's fine if yous in da circus o' from Iowa. But when yous getting down on da farm mo' den wit da fella dats some serious fucked up shit ya'll. Yo change purse mus be all stretched out n' nasty. You's can carry a whole roll o' Susan B Ant'nys in dere. Yo man gots ta notice dat, specially when he's hearin' a fuckin' echoe every time ya spreads yo legs. Tell dat ity bity ta strap some shit on, so you can gets da jungle fever wit out da barnyard booty.

 

Yo Bitch,
I gots this problem where I'm always beatin' on suckas. Stupid-ass muthafuckas always be comin' up to me doing stupid shit 'n' I be knocking they ass on the flo'. One time, this skinny-ass muthafucka comes up to me trying to hand me a flyer, so I busted him in da mouf with my fist. He was out like a bitch! He was a white bitch too, like you. Anyways, I think I broke a knuckle. Can I sue him for medical expenses?
Word. Wendell

Wat up Wendell,
Sho as hell yous can sue dat bitch's ass. Take him fo what he's worth. Witch probly ain't mo den a five spot an' a buck't o' ribs. Den kick 'dat dumbass muthafucka in da shins.

 

Hello,
I'm a long time reader, first time writer. Your eloquence is inspiring. You sho' knows yo' shit! I'ze just heard that Gary Coleman ain't never had none o' dat sweet poontang. How you think I can give him mines? It's sweet like candy!
Thanks a bunch,
"Ring my" Belle

Yo yo Belle e Butt'n
Dat Gary Coleman, he's a smoove operata. Not jus any bitch can git dat chocolate ta melt n' der mouf. Since he kinda washed up, da way inta his Wranglas is through his ego. Starts jivin' on his ol' cinamatic mastapieces. Likes On Da Rite Track n' Da Kid Wif Da Broke'n Halo. Dat muthafuckas so hard up, don't takes much ta git him hard. But at full size dat shit can'ts be mo den 4-5 inches. Maybe ya should be mackin' on dat Todd Bridges. Don't know if he's hung likes da Gold'n Gate, but I bets he be lookin fo' some acshun dat ain't knockin' on da backdoor.

 

Whaddup honky,
I'm addicted to boob jobs. I've now had 17 implants. I went from an A cup to a tripe X. Shit, they big! What I do now is carry around a walker-type device that I can push and rest my boobs on, cause they too heavy to carry by my lonesome. I seen yo’ picture in that last issue (#13) wif dat midget. You think I could git him to replace my walker, and have him walk around wif me as I rest my boobs on his head?
Peace,
Boobs McKenzie

Dear Boobs.
Shit, yous could git dat lil bitch ta fuckin' carry ya round on his shouldas if da price is rit. I ain'ts no Bob Barka, but I bets ya won't even have ta pay da full size brothas ta be carryin' ya titty's round town. Specially if deys da all big n' round n' shit. My tittys ain't all dat big. So I's just be usin' my lil' guy ta carry round my Colt 45.

 

Hey you fuckin' bitch,
Why you such a bitch? You always be raggin' on peoples and bitchin' about bitches 'n' shit 'n' shittin' on folks 'n' you knows yous a bitch too you fuckin' bitch whore. So what's up wif dat?
Thanks,
Princess

Yo Princess,
I rag on des dumbasses cause deys jus askin' fo it. I's ain't goin' out an jus tellin' people off n shit. Dey's writin' me. I's got beta things ta do den read 'bout a bunch a muthafuckas problems. An' half des brothas can barely writes n' shit. An what's wif yo ass? Ya mouf be stankin' likes a rottin' whitetrash coolie. What da fuck ya wastin' my time wit yo dumbass bitchin'? Looks at my name ya freakin' greasy stank ass ho. BITCH is my name. Ya wants nice n' sweet ass shit, don't be writin' ta me.


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Read more fascinating letters from:

Issue #13

Issue #11

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