Issue #11's Letters

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yo She-Dog, Check it I'm tryin' to git my cookies off with my new little cock-eyed Jenny. But she's holdin' back 'cause we only been out once befo'. But I needs to git horizontal wid her lickety split 'cause that freak mommy's got frick 'n' frack loaded up and ready to shoot through the creamstick right into Venus' honeypot. What can I do so she'll introduce my Rumpleforeskin to ol' mossyface?
-Jack Nasty Face

Yo Jack Nasty Face, What da fuck? Ya think yous Billie Dee Williams o' somethin'? Ya think all da bitches be all warm and waitin' to wrap der lips 'round yo Colt 45? Fuckin' dog. Yous can'ts start grazin' 'til da bitch be puttin' ou' da spread. So if yo boys be all loaded, jus gots ta gets yo ass some target practice. An' if da uthas hos ain't burnin' fo' yo stick o' dyn-O-mite, Jimmy Walka, then yous best be gettin' down wif yo bad self.

 

Dear Ms. Bitch, I'm writing in hopes that you can help me with a most pressing problem. I'm really in quite a pickle. Actually, it was my pickle that started it. You see, my wife caught me choking the chicken. I explained to her it was because I hadn't visited the cabbage patch in quite some time, and I was going nuts. Well now she says there will be no more cabbage for me, unless she's cooking it for dinner. How can I convince her that this was all her fault?
-The Lonely Baloney Pony

Dear Lonely Baloney Pony, Yo, party o' one. Don't be blamin' yo bitch 'cause you can't keeps da genie in da fuckin' lamp. Da ho probably gots da fly tip on where dat hand's been. But if she be lockin' da gate ta da cabbage patch, I bets she gots anutha Xavier Roberts tendin' da crops. It's all cool. Jus' go pokes 'round wit some utha farma's daughta. Ta hell wit yo bitch's spite! 'Cause when bitch cuts off da nose, da face jus be gettin all rusty and shit. And dat shit don't matta whens ya gots anutha place ta go fo' a good blow.

 

Dear White Bitch, I'm writing once again about my booty problem. I gots da booty pad likes you said. An' I'm shakin' it like I gots Parkinson's, but still the mens ain't bumpin' and grindin' wit me. Should I be shavin' my legs?
- Big 'Ol Butt

Dear Big 'Ol Butt, If you asks me (which ya keeps doin') yous jus a Big 'Ol Pain In Da Butt. What da fuck? Can't yous do one thing wit out runnin' off ta give me da 411. I ain't yo fuckin' pimp. I knows ya wanta be a boomin bitch, but still no mens be diggin' yo nasty funk. So what of it? Maybe yous jus a crusty ho. Maybe yous got da bootie drought 'cause no brotha be wantin ta grind yo flat-backed, grisley-leg'd, hole bitchin', sorry piece o' Bobbin-Floke gets no poke, skank ass. Only a stupid bitch like y'all'd keep askin' what da hold up is. Jus look in da mirra.

 

Dear pigmentally challenged chick, Check it, this ho and I, we be goin back aways and shes always sayin she wants to get wit me an i say sista, if you aint a him, thers no way you gettin any a this trim, an she says i's just playin wit you. So we in da stor an i's tryin on some fly ass shit you know dat be makin brothas beg fo dis booteee - wit a triple "e". An dis bitch comes all up on me an says, check it, da bitch wips a Witmans Sampler right out her snatch. You no da kind wit coconut, vanila creem an carmel, etc. I says dam bitch you aint no Fannie Farmer yous jus a crazy ho an i was outie. Wat i wanna no is do chocolate coved coconut spoil. Thanx.
Piece, Sista, Sista

Dear Sista, Sista, Dark chocolate don't spoil, dat shit melt. 'Specially in some bitch's meatgrinda. But peep dis, homegirl be wantin' yo ass ta sucks on a diff'nt piece o'coconut-minus da nuts. But don't be so supa freaky fast ta curb dat bitch-dog. Never know. Sometimes ya feels likes a nut an' sometimes ya don't. Maybe yous really be wantin's da taste o' da mounds.

 

 

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