The Necessary but Obnoxious
Pooping Habits of Hawkman


Dealing with Your Excretory System Away from Home








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Even if you're unaware of Hawkman's existence, you can probably surmise simply from his name that he is a man who is somewhat hawk-like. Very much the way Batman resembles a bat. Or the way Plastic Man is similar to a piece of plastic. Hawks, like any flying bird, poop while in the air or when sitting in a tree. Shit just falls right out. Sometimes you'll be walking around and you'll get hit right on the shoulder or head. It can really ruin your day. Sometimes you'll see a car parked under a tree, and you can tell it's been there for several days because it's smothered in bird shit. It's not attractive and it's hard to look cool driving a shitmobile like that. You ain't gonna get no booty driving an automopoop like that. So the question arises, does Hawkman carry the excretorial traits of the hawk?

Hawkman is a busy fellow. Let's just assume he's here on our planet, right in your city. He's out there fighting crime for you day in and day out. He's patrolling the skies, seeking out evil and swooping down to vanquish thuggery wherever it may lie. There's no rest. Does crime take a break? No. Crime is a non-stop, hard-working, unfriendly machine. So when Hawkman grabs a quick burrito or a McDonald's Extra Value Meal, or if someone slips him a bunch of laxatives, or if he shovels a stack of pancakes and whipped cream down his throat, he doesn't have time to deal with the repercussions. He's letting loose as he searches the streets. Just like any other bird. But at least he's doing something of value up there. Those other flying fellows are just chirping around flapping their wings and pooping. You have a right to get angry about that. It's unpleasant and damaging to clothing and hairstyles. Also cars, but we've discussed that. But if you happen to get hit by Hawkman, well, it seems you ought to just smile, shrug your shoulders, and start wiping it off. Chances are he's saved your life several times already by ridding the streets of other pieces of shit.

Maybe you're thinking, "Boy, it sure would be nice if Hawkman could be constipated more often." Yeah, seems like it would be nice. But it's fairly selfish of you. Do you like being constipated? I challenge anyone's desires for constipation. If Hawkman found himself with chronic constipation, it could consume his mind, all his thoughts would be focused on when he'll be able to go. And if his mind isn't clear, his crime fighting skills will erode faster than the Flash can run to Copenhagen for a power piss with the Vikings.

Let's just imagine that Hawkman did the civilized thing, and stopped in to use a public restroom. Well, first he's gotta do a pre-flush to avoid splash from unknown waters. Then he's got to layer some toilet paper down on the seat to prevent germ acquisition and to provide cushioning. Then, he can get down to business. It's quite a process. In fact, it kinda makes you wish you could shit bird-style. I guess some people do, but it's probably referred to as homeless-style. Those homeless will poop anywhere. If Hawkman has the good fortune of stopping at a friend's place, he has to be extra careful. Because you never know how powerful a friend's toilet is. You know the strength of your own toilet, and how much toilet paper it can handle. But a foreign toilet could be an entirely different story. And there's nothing worse than having to poke your head out and ask for help with the plunger. Plus, when you start plunging, you get a bit frantic and desperate, so you plunge real hard-like, with lots of vigor, and then the brown water starts splashing like some jerk in a public pool. Then you've gotta clean the floor and change your clothes. Maybe even wash your hands and face. Therefore, to prevent all this, it's quite important that you flush frequently, using no more than three or four pieces of toilet paper per flushing session. Soon, you'll get conscious of your friend hearing a ridiculous amount of flushes. This all becomes quite time consuming. And if you're Hawkman, that means you're missing crimes galore. People are out there getting mugged, or kicked, or whacked with a trout while he's in there trying to enjoy a smooth ride on the porcelain bus.

Personally, I'd rather takes my chances on getting caught in a brown shower.