"In a world without socks, feet are just a bit colder."
- Francis J. Howe, philosopher/mathematician/walker

I love my socks. Each morning, after putting on a fresh pair of underwear, I dig through my bin of socks and pull out a nice, matching pair to keep my feet cozy for the day. First I put one on, then the other. In the summer I put on those short, sport-type socks. In the cold winter months I opt for something a little longer and thicker. That's because it's important to keep your feet warm. Also, you should keep your head warm, but this is not an article on hats. However, it is possible for a microcephalic to stretch a sock over his or her head. Getting back to socks and feet, I wear white socks with sneakers. With fancier shoes, I go for a more stylish sock, something with color and maybe a handsome pattern. The options are numerous. Especially if you shop around. Lots of stores sell socks.

One brand of socks that you may find interesting is the Gold Toe socks. These white socks are golden colored at the toes. This is handy because it immediately identifies the toe-end of the sock. There's no time wasted searching. Imitation socks may have different colored toes. Those also work well. The key is a second color to the sock. The specific color does not matter, except in the case of personal preferences. For instance, if you hate green, and a pair has green toes, don't get them. Choose something you like. Those socks not only protect your feet, but they are the mediator between the feet and shoes.

Another fascinating sock is the black sock. You won't find many children with a majority of black socks. But as you climb the age ladder, more and more drawers get stocked with black. This is generally fine. Except when paired with shorts. Black socks with shorts look about as good as a severed toe on pumpernickel. If you ever see a fellow committing this sock offense (look for lawn mowers, dads, that sort of guy) please, for the good of socks everywhere, kick that man in the shin. Real hard-like. It'll hurt. Maybe stick a boot up his ass, too.

The Acquisition of Socks
As stated previously, stores are terrific places to find and purchase socks. But don't be limited. If you're in New York, the street is tops. Right down the block from the guy selling fruit, bootleg videos, and stolen books is the guy selling socks. I've been known to deal my way into three pairs for $5. Now that's really something. A less desirable place to discover socks is the laundromat. A found sock is usually parted from its twin, rendering it nigh useless. Also, you don't know whose sock it was. It could be the sock of a jaundiced, toothless, scab-infested yokel. You just can't be too sure.

Socks as Toys
Well we all certainly understand the merits of socks as brilliant feet warmers. But what else? How can these marvels of knitting be pushed to new uses? One is the sock puppet. Simply place the sock over your hand and use your thumb as the lower jaw and the other four fingers as the upper. Then talk. It's fun with a goofy voice. Don't do this at work though. It's not really professional. Socks also are great for tug-of-war with dogs. Dogs will shake their heads and pull mightily. What a sight it is! Laugh, giggle, then clean your sock.

Socks in Proliferated Global Intelligence Espionage
Spies wear socks too. While sneakier than you or I, spies need to keep their feet warm too. And socks do just that.

We can be certain of several things: socks are nice, lots of people wear them, lots of people will continue to wear them, and they're available at stores and sometimes other places, too. As an added bonus, if your feet are really ugly and a little disfigured, socks will cover them right up.


It's a true shame that socks cannot speak. Oh, the stories they'd tell! An interview may go as such:

Have you ever been worn on a smelly foot?


Did it stink?

Yes, it did. I tried to make a hole at the big toe to get some breathing room, but I was too new. A few more washings and some sharper toenails and I should be golden.

Golden toed?


What's it like in the washing machine?

Wet and soapy. I hate getting stuck next to a pair of poopy underpants because the detergent breaks away all the skid marks and they get swished by me.

Are you glad you're not underwear?

Yes, very. Underwear is a tough job. Especially white underwear. They've got it real bad. Feet stink, but it ain't like ass after a shit.

Who is your biggest influence?

I really like Led Zeppelin.

How do you get along with shoes?

We work well together. I go on the foot, then the shoe.

Right. That's the best way. It's simple and it works. What's up with sandals?

I try not to get involved. If I do, I just let the mockery fall onto my owner. You can't help a dumbass.

I suppose there could be even more to talk about, once we really got going. Who knows what other stories we would learn?









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