Most midgets don't like being called "Shorty" or "Pipsqueak" or even "Cupboard Boy."

Beetlejuice is a 4-foot 3-inch, 31-year-old man with an unusually small head. You may have seen him on Howard Stern's show. Maybe you've seen his website, Jollydwarf.com. Or maybe he was hired to be tossed at one of your buddies bachelor parties. When Beetlejuice isn't busy getting tossed, he's enjoying his day. According to him, that means waking up, going to the bathroom, taking a shower, walking the dog, and going back to sleep. Come evening, around 6:30, it's time to drink. Two six-packs of Heineken is Beetlejuice's favorite. Just ask the folks at the liquor store — they know exactly what and where to deliver just by mentioning "Beetlejuice." Now that's livin'.

So tell me about Jolly Dwarf. What do you do when you get hired at parties?

Beetlejuice: I get tossed like a fuckin' salad.

You enjoy that?

B: Oh yeah.

And they toss you on a mattress?

B: Yeah, sure.

What's the furthest you've been tossed?

B: About 12 feet.

Sean: He gets tossed about 20 times a party. There's usually about 20-25 guys at a bachelor party. So each one gets a toss. We do a one hour show, and you get about 20-25 tosses in.

Does anyone have any objections?

S: When you go to clubs you get people in the crowds saying this is degrading. We say to them if this was degrading he wouldn't be doing it. He's not against what he's doing and he's making money and he's eating and drinking for free, plus, he's getting more girls than you are so I would just keep quiet. And he's making more money in two hours than you are in 40 hours and you’re miserable and he’s happy. He makes $500-$600 a week for two hours a week. And he's happy.

You like getting a lot of girls Beetlejuice?

B: Yeah.

How many do you get? Do they come up to you?

B: Yeah. They like to rub my nuts before I get them.

S: Tell him about your favorite position.

B: Oh, dwarfy style.

Dwarfy Style?

S: Yeah, that's when the girl's on all fours and he can stand up. Gary Coleman recently admitted he was a virgin. Do you have any advice to help him out?

B: He's a nice guy. He'll have to hang out with me if he wants to get laid.

Do people bowl you?

B: Yeah. I wear a helmet.

Which do you like better?

B: Tossing.

S: He loves to get tossed.

Who doesn't?

S: He wears a Superman costume. He puts it on in back and comes out and everyone goes crazy and they toss him.

What else do you do besides tossing and bowling?

B: I do a comedian once in awhile. Can you tell me a joke? B: What's the difference between an elephant and a cat?

What?

B: A dog. A dog humpin' on the backside of another dog while he's coming.

S: He just says whatever comes to mind.

What's your favorite color?

B: Me? What's my favorite color? Pussy.

S: C'mon tell him your favorite color.

B: Pink, black. White pussy. Black and orange.

Ever get hurt when you're tossed?

B: Never.

S: We've got two queen-sized mattresses they throw him on and he wears knee pads in case he falls off.

What did you do before getting tossed?

S: He was a lawyer's assistant. He worked for Francis Monahan.

How did you meet Beetlejuice, Sean?

S: He lives eight blocks from me. Actually I met him in a bar. And I told him what we did and gave him my business card and he called to see what we did, and he was with it. He liked what we did.

How did you get involved with Howard Stern?

S: We were doing a gig over in New York so I told Frankie [the Jolly Dwarf] why don't we go over to Howard Stern's building and try to get on? So what I did was I blew up the air mattresses and when Robin and Jackie and all them were coming in I started tossing them on the mat. I guess they told Howard and everything and the cameras came down and they invited us up. And since then they call us, and one time we brought Beetlejuice with us and they love Beetlejuice and now they're interested in giving him gigs.

What was school like for you?

B: This guy in school knocked me over. Know what I did? I killed his family instead of him.

S: How many years you do in jail for that?

B: 10 years.

How was your bit?

B: My jail was fly. I got out after six months. The guy came back for more, I was about to cut his head off.

Did you get your salad tossed in prison?

B: I like to get tossed salad in prison.

Do you prefer syrup or jelly?

B: Ain't no jelly in jail.

What do you think about Austin Powers' Mini Me?

B: Oh the little bald-headed guy, the back of his head's like a football. He's a nice guy. His head's like a football.

What about your head?

B: My head's big. Like a fuckin' apple.

Do people make comments about your head?

B: They do. I crack 'em right back on 'em. I say I shrunk their heads. I say my head's bigger than theirs.

And they just look at you in puzzlement?

S: They don't know what to think. We're trying to get his head in the Guinness Book of World Records with his head. It's 15 3/4" round. Normal's 23 1/2". This has gotta be a record.

What about those people who are 22" tall?

S: Yeah, but usually they have big heads.

So you would have the smallest head for a dwarf?

S: Yeah. He's got normal sized legs with a short body.

Where does he buy clothes?

S: We go to a kids shop. He wears a 30 Husky.

What about hats?

S: We got a special cardboard we have made up. He wears it inside the hats. They staple it to the hat and then put the hat on.

So he just wears over-sized hats.

S: No, even a 24-month-year-old's is too big. 'Cause I have my son's helmet — who's 24 months — and it's way too big.

What do you plan to do when you get older and can't be tossed anymore?

B: I'm gonna keep doing this the rest of my life. I'll be getting tough with my cane! •

 

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